


What Was Broken

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 01:30:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/633645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was somewhere around the time that singing stopped being an escape and became this mountain he had to climb that Liam wrote his first suicide note. There wasn’t much to it, or behind it, he just wanted to see how it felt. He was so tired, but really, it was like being trapped in a maze.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Was Broken

   It was like a game for him. It had become addicting, the perfect metaphor; dancing on the razor’s edge. His grasp was precarious at best, but Liam had always been good at hiding things. This was no exception, and why should it be? It was just a passing thing, a temporary measure against a temporary condition.

  Because that’s all this was, right? A little hate on Twitter, a botched solo, some backlash from the paps. That’s what Liam told himself, anyway. He was fighting the cause. Or was be just fighting the symptom? Maybe this stardom thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, or maybe he just wasn’t cut out for the charmed life such as this.

   How had it even begun? Oh, that’s right, the fans. Not that it was their fault (not by a long shot) but rather they had served as his inspiration. How many scarred wrists had he seen Niall kiss?  Liam was smarter about where her left his marks though. Had to be, what with a wardrobe crew dressing and undressing him down to his pants, practically.

  For a while the cutting was enough. No one had to know, no one had to see. Liam was good at playing pretend. Hiding things and acting fine; two unexpected talents. But nothing was getting better; in fact keeping secrets was making everything worse. He could feel it pulling him away from the group, but his tunnel vision was such that he could see no way out. Liam was just  _tired_ , so tired for all the constant flurry of activity. He could hardly get out of bed in to mornings, much less perform in front of massive audiences. It felt like he was drowning; trapped beneath the ice of a frozen pond. 

   It was somewhere around the time that singing stopped being an escape and became this mountain he had to climb that Liam wrote his first suicide note. There wasn’t much to it, or behind it, he just wanted to see how it felt. He was so tired, but really, it was like being trapped in a maze.

   It didn’t make him happy, seeing those would-be final words on paper; it didn’t make him feel better. But it did make him feel alive. So it became this ritual of sorts; cutting, suicide notes, fake smiles, more excuses. And there was no way out. Until…

   ”Liam, get outta bed, ya slug. Even I’m up!” Zayn was pulling back the blinds and jumping on the bed. He collapsed on top on Liam and just lay there.

   Liam tried to roll over. “It’s my day off, let me sleep.”

   Zayn responded in quite a different tone than before. “Liam. What is this?” Liam could hear the flutter of paper and it took a second for him to realized what Zayn must be holding. His stomach dropped.

   He had kept all the notes on one notepad, nicked out of the first hotel, and now it was held before Zayn’s horrified face.

   ”Liam. These go back three months. What the hell is going on? You’re scaring me.”

   ”It’s nothing, just a…thing,” Liam tried to snatch it out of Zayn’s hands, but he rooled out of his grip, coming to stand on the floor in front of Liam. Zayn resists theurge to read the pages aloud, because clearly this is shameful, if Liam’s gone to so much trouble to hide it, but…

   ”You need help.” Zayn said carefully. His voice held no anger, no hint of accusation. He was afraid, to be quite honest. Afraid of what he hadn’t seen before and what might have happened if he’d continued to be blind.

   ”I just-I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing you can do. Leave it alone.” Liam tried to hide under his blankets, wishing this whole nightmare would just goaway, before suddenly the sheets were thrown back and Zayn gasped.

   He hadn’t meant to but the scars and scabs and cuts came as such a surprise. He hadn’t expected-surely not Liam, his Liam, but to the evidence was in clear, angry lines that no amount of excuses could explain away.

   ”Get up,” Zayn said quietly.

   ”Zayn-“

   ”I’m not fucking around, Liam. Get out of bed.” He tossed Liam a pair of yesterday’s jeans and a sweatshirt, not bothering to turn around.

  “Where are we going?” Liam asked, defeated. He is too tired to fight, just wants to give up and let Zayn carry him. He can trust Zayn, he knows that. His best friend won’t drop him.

~~~

   The tour has to be postponed. Liam can’t stop apologizing, but everyone just tells him to shut up, because the guilt is eating them too. Zayn is there, the whole time. Holding Liam’s hand when he talks to Paul, and Simon, and their producers, and his mum, and, hardest of all, the rest of the boys.

   Liam sees a therapist, every other day. Some days he cries for a long time after, and Zayn just holds him. Some days he doesn’t say anything at all, and Zayn just holds him then, too. Slowly, Zayn finds his way into Liam’s bed at night, and no one is surprised, because after all, Zayn has been Liam’s rock. Zayn does the body checks, because Liam is too ashamed for anyone else to see the scars. They fight when new cuts appear and kiss when they don’t. It isn’t perfect, but it’s an improvement.

   Eventually, singing becomes less of a mountain, not even a chore. Liam can sing, really  _sing_ , again. He stays off of Twitter mostly, now. Keeps close to Zayn when he goes out where the paps can see them. Speaks up more in interviews. The tour resumes, with weekly calls to the therapist, and nights spend curled up with Zayn. And slowly, as more time goes by, Liam begins to heal what was broken.


End file.
